So, I wake up this morning, next to my beautiful girlfriend, and realize today is the dreaded 14th of February! A day in which every male on this planet (well, that celebrates V-day, anyway) cringes in horror!
Did I remember the flowers? The chocolate? The balloon? Perhaps a teddy bear? Jewelry? Nah, don’t have enough bread for that…
Thankfully, we both see the ridiculousness of Valentine’s Day together. Yes, both me and my girlfriend see eye-to-eye on the gala that is Valentine’s – it is a corporate holiday designed to sell cards, chocolate, flowers, etc. Oh, and it is a day destined to create arguments, strife, anxiety, and horror. Possibly a few breakups or two, some unmet expectations (hey honey, got you some beer!).
But it is also a day of guranteed nookie, at least for you married couples out there that only get it on several times a year.
Yet, I refer to this day as “Feed Your Kids” day. Because it is ridiculous, that’s why – as I cut your thoughts off immediately. If you love and care about someone, shouldn’t you do that everyday? Or at least show that you do several times a year? (See married couples.)
I mean, it’s kind of like that old Chris Rock routine: guy gets busted for selling drugs or like 10 ounces of marijuana and screams into the camera, “I’m a good person, I pay my taxes, don’t beat my wife and I FEED my kids!”
Wait a sec, aren’t you supposed to feed your kids? Aren’t you supposed to not steal? Aren’t you supposed to not beat your wife? Basically, aren’t you supposed to act civily?
Well, in that context, what the hell is Valentine’s Day for anyway???!! What exactly are you trying to communicate here – that I possess a girlfriend? That I am not totally lame, a momma’s boy living in the spare bedroom playing Xbox 360, with a job wielding a bread knife calling myself a “sandwich artist”? (Hey, a guy can dream, can’t he?)
Let’s face it, this is a day for us males to pander and pamper to our female companions and prove we aren’t total dead beats. At least give them hope we can be romantic, no matter if it is getting someone else to cook, someone else to set up and deliver the bouquet of flowers, and even pick out a card that was pre-printed with our – gasp! – exact sentiments already slapped on it (by someone else!).
Simply put, I just don’t get it. It is both a redundant day and a demoralizing day. Sure, I love my lady friend – love her tons. And I may not be the witiest or most romantic or hell, least hairy of the lot, but damn it, I love her.
So yeah, I got her the chocolate, the flowers, the balloon and the fancy dinner (wow, I lost 10 lbs forking over the dough that was formerly in my wallet!). Happy Feed Your Kids day, everyone.